I have deadlines I have to meet.
I am setting them up today, because in a world of no deadlines, I could carry on forever with good intentions and nothing to show for them. That's the just the way I am.
I need lists, target dates for completion, commitment, reminders to put myself out there for possible rejection, and all these things I think I would otherwise love doing without. Well, not the lists. I love lists.
I am going to regain a sense of self again. It's not been lost completely, just buried; pushed to the back of a mental basement to make room for newly acquired roles that I have been busying myself with. But I'm not going to do anything until January.
For now, I'll relax, soak in the happiness of the holidays, and enjoy that sense of excitement and anticipation that comes with the knowledge of an impending project.
A note on marriage and a sense of independence:
How does one reconcile the desire to both be actively engaged in a fulfilling partnership, and continue to have a life outside of it for oneself?
It seems easy enough. Go out with your girlfriends every once in a while, come back home, and resume where you left off the night before.
And yet, I feel this is a tricky balance.
You have to be careful not to want to recapture a time that seemed simpler and more exciting in so many ways: one's youth. I was thinking about this because I'll admit, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be single again. Not because I don't love Michael or because I want to see anyone else; I guess it's a silly sense of freedom, a sense of mystery and possibility that might be available to you.
But I know deep down, that this is just a curiosity, because I always come crawling back to my current life. It really is much nicer. Much much nicer.
Nostalgia has a way of making things more pleasant, I think, than they actually were.
And nostalgia, it will remain.
That is how I have chosen to enjoy those "simpler" times. Times when I was waiting around for someone or something to shake up my life, to chase whatever path it lead me down; it was a new adventure, something new to discover. (And anyways, I believe you can't ever really 'get back to where you once were.' That would require a mental and emotional wipe, ala Eternal Sunshine or something).
This life will provide me with just as many if not more possibilities for adventure; I just have to be open to them, and willing to work for results. And I get the sense that this will be more satisfying than anything I would have done with my youth.
And so it is that I welcome this next chapter in my life with open arms.
And on that note, I leave you to enjoy your day. :)
Chronicling the ups and downs of my life as a twenty-something always second-guessing herself.
- ► 2010 (36)