Chronicling the ups and downs of my life as a twenty-something always second-guessing herself.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Exploring Fear

In regards to some things, it's so much easier to live in fear.
I live in fear of so much. I have always wanted to be a strong person and when I can, I am.
When I have no other choice, I am. But when there's a choice, it's so much more difficult.

What is the source of my fear? I think it's reasonable to say that there is more than one source, because my fears run the gamut. So, where to begin?

Part of the problem with living in fear, is also the dishonesty. Not malicious, deliberately sneaking lies, but the desire for what is untrue, to be true.

I think John F Kennedy said it well in a commencement address to Yale University students in 1962:
"The great enemy of of the truth is very often not the lie- deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth- persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic."
And one year earlier, in his inaugural address, there was this quote; although he was speaking of foreign policy, I think it suits my thoughts here: "Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate."

But here I am, negotiating out of fear. Compromising, settling, talking myself out of things I want, things I think might make my life better. Things that might make my short time here on earth, better spent. For others and for myself. Others are missing out too, you know, because I am missing out on myself.
And I am fearful of negotiating. Because to negotiate, to navigate through my mental muck, I'd actually have to take a good, honest look at things. I'd have to map out those as yet uncharted territories in my mind that I have not wanted to venture into yet.

So here we are, at square one.
I'm still at square one.
Are you?

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I have not been back to this site for a very long time. Nearly a month!
Life has been keeping me going at a crazy speed and I have had virtually no time for myself. It's catching up to me. I've decided that I'm going to ask Grandma to keep Alyssa for a few hours next weekend so that I can have some time to go grab a tea and sit and read and write a little bit.

So, there are a few bigger updates. I'm sorry no pictures, but I'm rushing.
Anyways, Alyssa had her first real cold. I had given her the sniffles once before, but it was really just some tired-ness and congestion. This time, she had a fever. Poor thing. She wasn't terribly congested, though. That was one good thing, but she had tummy problems and at one point the fever reached 104 degrees. The first night, since the Children's Motrin wasn't working, we checked her every 30 minutes, taking lukewarm showers with her when she was over 102. We did that until 5 o'clock when her fever held steady at 101.

The next night, we checked her every hour instead of every half hour, giving her lukewarm showers whenever she got above 102 (again, because the Motrin wasn't keeping it down and we couldn't give her another dose yet), until 5 when again, her fever subsided into the 101 area.

THEN, the following night, she reached 103 and we could not get her temp down, and we could not give her another dose yet of Motrin. Hospital trip. Awesome. Especially awesome because we're switching policies for her, and her policy is supposed to start on the 1st, but we haven't officially sent in the docs yet.
I'm really glad we took her though. She topped out at 104. They gave her a "fever cocktail" of Children's Motrin and Children's Tylenol (via suppository for quicker-acting relief.) And an hour later, she was at 100. We went home at 11:00 from the hosp and Alyssa felt so much better that she decided she could not go to sleep. She was all energy. We were up until 1:30 with her until finally, she decided she could use some sleep.

The following day, she had a slight (99ish) fever for most of the day, and towards the end of the evening, she didn't have one. She still did not deign to sleep very much and at 11:30 when she woke up wanting to play that night and we did not let her, she gave an award-winning fit. It was so bad that I began to doubt if she was alright. She doesn't usually throw fits like that, but this is the 2nd fit like that in about a week. I'm beginning to think that this is going to be the new thing. The behavior my almost-toddler has decided to adopt when she's really ticked. Good-bye easy-going, relaxed baby. Hello toddler who throws tantrums. God help me. Me and her, because I want her to be a happy girl. Not a frustrated and/or spoiled child. Happy girl, please!

Lesli and I have been running together. I'm going over there again today. I've missed out on running though for nearly two weeks because I'd been feeling weak the week before Alyssa got sick, and then Alyssa got sick the following week, so badda bing badda boom, no running. But the day after Aly's fever broke, I was out with Les, running a mile. Just a mile, but still.
We want to run the Turkey Trot in about 4 weeks. It's a 5k. I definitely think we can do it.
I used to love running 5k's. Let's see if I still do.

Okay, so I have to go get ready. Alyssa is asleep and I need to get packed and dressed for grandma's. Ooooh. And I just finished reading the last Potter book with Mike (it's the only one I've read), and then The Sugar Queen. Both great; totally different, of course, but both were just what I needed. Next up? Not sure. I have a bio on el Che that's in need of reading. Perhaps that...

:) Bye!