In regards to some things, it's so much easier to live in fear.
I live in fear of so much. I have always wanted to be a strong person and when I can, I am.
When I have no other choice, I am. But when there's a choice, it's so much more difficult.
What is the source of my fear? I think it's reasonable to say that there is more than one source, because my fears run the gamut. So, where to begin?
Part of the problem with living in fear, is also the dishonesty. Not malicious, deliberately sneaking lies, but the desire for what is untrue, to be true.
I think John F Kennedy said it well in a commencement address to Yale University students in 1962:
"The great enemy of of the truth is very often not the lie- deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth- persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic."
And one year earlier, in his inaugural address, there was this quote; although he was speaking of foreign policy, I think it suits my thoughts here: "Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate."
But here I am, negotiating out of fear. Compromising, settling, talking myself out of things I want, things I think might make my life better. Things that might make my short time here on earth, better spent. For others and for myself. Others are missing out too, you know, because I am missing out on myself.
And I am fearful of negotiating. Because to negotiate, to navigate through my mental muck, I'd actually have to take a good, honest look at things. I'd have to map out those as yet uncharted territories in my mind that I have not wanted to venture into yet.
So here we are, at square one.
I'm still at square one.
Chronicling the ups and downs of my life as a twenty-something always second-guessing herself.
- ► 2010 (36)